Vas Normandy
by Rose Tinted Contact Lenses
Summary: Two-parter. After the loss of her father, Tali tries to adjust to a new name and the whole crew tiptoeing around her - even Shepard, it seems. This must be pity, this attention. Surely?
1. Defence

_This can work as a standalone, but also works with the others in this series: _Observation & Engineering, John, The Sound Of Silence, Oblivious, Solace, Loved & Lost, Belonging, Once More, With Feeling, Mutual Respect _and _Pleasant Surprises.

_{To those following: The 11th Shep/Tali. Sorry about the late update - after a noticeable (even by me) dip in quality and length of story, I wanted to spend a little more time on this one and make sure it turned out right. }_

_And so we plunge straight into the angst, totally without warning. Sorry 'bout that._

* * *

><p><strong>Vas Normandy<strong>

**-1-**

**Defence**

He has no idea what to do, what to say, as she cries over her father's body.

He shouldn't be here - this isn't this grief to see. He swallows, stands his ground, until her speech turns into sobs, and then, half-aware of what he's doing, finds he has his arm around her, crouching beside her on the ground. "Tali..."

She's still crying, barely able to speak, shaking her head over and over again as if denying it will mean that it isn't true.

He gives up trying to speak to her, just holding her while she cries on him; all he can do is be _here_.

He hopes it's enough.

She seems to be trying to calm down, her breathing returning almost to normal except for the occasional hiccuping sob. She looks at him, eyes meeting his through her helmet. "Thank you, John." She seems to want to say something else, but doesn't.

He gives her a half-smile, tells her that it's fine, and then suddenly her arms are around him; he can't help but enjoy the contact, even as his heart aches for her.

* * *

><p>She has to admit, he's a little intimidating when in "Commander Shepard" mode, fully armoured with guns on his back and, though normally surprisingly polite, glaring - actually <em>glaring - <em>at those who whisper about her in the corridors. He hands her the evidence, ignoring it, tries to give her a reassuring smile, then strides into the courtroom.

Defending her character? More like building it from the ground up. He makes her sound like someone worth of admiration - his, it seems; she blushes under her mask. Their eyes meet for a moment - he almost looks like he _believes _what he's saying - and suddenly, she wonders... Then the look is gone, the moment broken; he's addressing the courtroom, and her father's death is like a weight on her heart. She shouldn't even be _thinking _like this, about Shepard, when she has just lost her father, has preparations to make - shame adds to grief, making her heart sink to the bottom of her shoes. She swallows, feeling like a fool, struggling to hold back the tears in the crowded courtroom, more grateful than ever for her mask. Her mother was a long time ago, and she hasn't felt like this since... since Shepard...

With him here, in front of her, she refuses to even think about it. She's close enough to crying already, and she can't bear to remember... that.

She tries to breathe as she waits for the verdict.

* * *

><p>No exile. <em>No exile. <em>How - ?

She tries to ask him how he put together such a defence, but he just shakes his head, smiling. "Tali, I just said what I _thought._" He carries on walking, and she's not sure whether to laugh or cry.

Her father is dead, and her commander is treating her with pity, she's sure of it now. Pity which she nearly mistook for... something else. Another swallow as she tries to ignore her eyes - which are stinging, _again_, with unshed tears - and hurries on.

* * *

><p>The atmosphere is... <em>different<em> on the Normandy, the CIC falling silent as she enters.

Do the whole _crew _know what happened?

Joker just gives her a nod of acknowledgement, then pushes down the brim of his cap and keeps working at the controls. No sarcasm today?

Even Kelly isn't her usual, horrifically chirpy self today. She doesn't know why Shepard is so good to her - she's _Cerberus_, and she's _paid _to pretend to be sympathetic. Why _should_ either of them trust her?

"I'm sorry for your loss," she says, gently placing a hand on her shoulder. Tali looks down at it for a moment, and the tension in the air is palpable - _keelah, _she wishes the woman would stop trying to _understand _her. Then she simply nods brusquely, watches the woman's hand falling to her side once more, and walks on.

Before she steps into the elevator, all is still silent.

It is polite. It is respectful.

She hates it.

* * *

><p>Every funeral silence, every sympathetic look, reminds her of what she must do to make arrangements for her father, what she has lost, that she is now <em>Vas Normandy. <em>She no longer has her own ship; she may not have been exiled, but she is on an alien ship, a _nearly silent_ alien ship - she cannot shake the feeling that she has disappointed those of the Fleet. Her father is probably rolling in his grave. She shudders at that thought, walking down to nearest thing to a home she has.

The doors of Engineering slide open, and she walks in. It is one of the few places in the Normandy that isn't silent, the familiar noise of the drive core soothing her a little.

It seems that Ken and Gabby, as she has come to know them, are in the mess. She looks around once, twice, then, for the second time since finding her father's... her _father_, she allows herself to break down and cry, head against the steel wall and leaning on the console.

She does not notice the door softly open once again.

* * *

><p><em>Part 2's on Monday, as usual.<br>_


	2. Sins Of The Father

_Thanks for the reviews! PMs are on their way, if you haven't received one already (even if you're coming to this months later, I'll thank you, don't worry)._

_In which there are hints, and we find out a little more of John's shady past (there are definite plans for a fic on that, actually).  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>Vas Normandy<strong>

**-2-**

**Sins Of The Father**

She gasps for air, the long, hiccuping sobs dragging themselves out of her body, her muscles aching.

It takes her a moment to notice the gentle touch of a hand on her shoulder, the whispered, "It's going to be OK," next to her ear.

She shakes her head. It isn't. It will never be. "He's _gone_. He's _gone_."

All Shepard can think to say is, "But your memories aren't."

She looks up at him. "The memories... they aren't enough, John."

He nods, saying nothing.

* * *

><p>They somehow end up sat on the floor of Engineering, him still rubbing small circles onto her shoulder blade; her breathing is coming more easily now, but she still lets out the odd sob, until...<p>

"What was _your_ father like?"

The question surprises him. He remembers avoiding talking about his family when they first met, but if he can't open up to her now, when _can _he?

He thinks for a moment. "I never knew him, but I knew some of his... _associates_."

_"_Associates? What are you talking about?"

"It's how I got mixed up in..." He sighs. "... Things I still regret. He was a well-known criminal, Tali." He looks at her, swallowing, sees the surprise on her face. "And so was I, for a while."

The silence echoes in Engineering. She is staring at him, visibly wide-eyed under her mask.

"I was stupid, too young to know any better. When I was in my teens, they found me, said they were friends of his. That was how I ended up in the... I guess you'd call it a gang." He runs a hand through his hair, still nervous, still looking to her constantly as he tells her. For... approval? He realises as he says it that he's terrified that this will change her view of him, make her dismissive of him. "The Alliance saved me."

She finally understands, she thinks. About why he never spoke of his life on Earth. About why he acts like he was dragged into Cerberus, about why he seems to stay even a little loyal to the Alliance, even after being declared _dead._

At least she has the memories. He has _nothing._ She looks at him, remembers the first time they met - her response was the same. "Oh, John."

He looks at her, and for a moment, there is surprise on his face, as if she was expecting... what? For her to be angry at him? For him not to have changed since he was a poverty stricken child? Then it changes into an expression of exasperation. "Oh no. Tali, don't _do _this. Your father's just _died_, and you're feeling sorry for _me?_"

"I..." She isn't sure what to say. Years of living on the Fleet have taught her to be selfless, to put others' needs before her own, and when it's _him_, even more so.

"C'mon, let's get you some..." He was about to say "food", she can tell, but he swiftly corrects himself. "... Paste."

He stands, offering her a hand and a smile; she accepts it, and, even with the tear tracks drying on her face, it makes her heart skip a beat.

* * *

><p>The horrible, hanging silence resumes as they walk through the decks, and she shakes as they walk through the ship, trying to ignore the stares that the crew try to hide, even as they lean to their friends, trading gossip they think she can't hear. Then Shepard's hand is on her arm, his breathing steady, measured, next to her, and, with that one touch, she can almost breathe again.<p>

* * *

><p>As they eat (well, she attaches the tube to her suit; it's not quite the same) together in the mess hall - just like old times; she realises that he's trying to keep things as normal as possible for her. How did he <em>know?<em> - she catches a few whispered words. The rumours that that one hand on her arm have sprouted - she is unsure whether to laugh or cry.

He looks at her for a moment, worry lines creasing his forehead, and suddenly she remembers how he was after Virmire. Quiet. Cold. Broken. Except for the "broken" part, the exact opposite to her grief, and yet, somehow, they've still managed to heal each other.

The ache of her father's memory is sharp; the tears well up again at the thought of his last words to her. Nothing about loving her or being _proud _of her, but _orders._ He always seemed disappointed in her, as if she didn't belong in the Fleet.

She realises with a start that it didn't feel as though she _did. _After she met Shepard, things were never quite the same - noisy, shared ships, the quarian sense of humour - quite different from humans' - and the Khelish rather than English echoing round the decks... they were never quite enough for her, never quite _right._

"Are you _sure_ you're OK?"

She is jolted out of her memories by the sound of Shepard's voice, and she nods. "You've been... good to me, John. But, please... I'll be fine. You don't have to stay."

A moment of silence, and he drops his spork back onto the Alliance-issue plastic plate; his voice is quiet. "You think I'm doing this out of _pity?_"

She nods, expecting anger, but his voice is sad, and he is looking at his food, swallowing. "Haven't you thought that there are plenty of places I could be right now, if I wanted to? Haven't you considered that I might be staying because I _want_ to?"

There is silence, filled by her surprise. _What?_

He looks her in the eye, holding her gaze, sighing; there is something there in his expression that she can't quite read, but it makes her swallow, look away. "_Tali._.." He looks as though he wants to say something, then thinks better of it, and the moment is broken. "We should probably make a stop at the Citadel; think we're running out of protein paste."

She nods, looking at him and wishing she could find some way to thank him.


End file.
